Eldritch CaféEmma (@emmalilian@eldritch.cafe)Happy Trans Day of Visibility to this amazing community. To the ones that put forth events, I’m proud of you, to others that are willing to attend, I’m happy to know you, to those that can only celebrate anonymous, I feel you.
For me it’s a rough one. Two years ago, I was still not out to everyone. In fact, I had just finished a two week long business trip where the constant deadnaming was so tortuous the next week I came back I immediately filed for my legal name change, which eventually culminated in my coming out to work and basically everyone else in June.
Last year, I had firmly resolved myself as Emma in everything I did. I was participating in community groups, acting as a sort of minor local patron for those around me, and I was running the LGBTQ group for a federal organization of 3000 strong. We only had a handful attending, but by the time the year would be up we had a dozen regulars, we were doing seminars, spreading good info on local events, and I was proud of the advocacy we were doing. I was also finally embracing and discovering who I was… and I loved it.
Fast forward to today, and my work group has been disbanded unceremoniously, and I’ve witnessed heartbreaking atrocities as my organization was forced to systematically remove all mention of anything related to diversity - up to and including the work of all LGBTQ, race, and even the achievements of women.
Meanwhile, for me, I’ve been put in this weird two part limbo at work. Because of transphobes that have made my life hell for years now, I’m not allowed to use the restroom in my building. In other locations where I’m either unknown or surrounded by allies, I’m allowed the basic dignity of a human being, but only if I keep it quiet.
Being a federal employee, I’ve always toed the line about what I could and could not do in terms of advocacy. I’ve pushed for ordinances at city hall to pass, I’ve made speeches, I’ve donated. Now… I can’t do any of that for fear of it coming back to those that can and want to fire people like me. Same with social media, where I’ve scrubbed most mention of this part of me, and I’m relegating to sharing the things that are “acceptable.”
I remember when I first started transitioning, I dreamed of a time where I could hopefully pass. Blend in with the crowd as any other woman. And I’m fortunate enough that I can now in my area. But now that I can, I am forced to. Out of fear of retribution, out of fear of violence, out of fear of losing my livelihood. It’s one thing to choose this for my desires, it’s another entirely because I constructively have no choice.
So on this trans day of visibility, I am forced in so many areas of my life to stay invisible. To hope that those with greater opportunity, and drive, and resources continue the fight that I wish I could. I am still here for you, even if it’s in the shadows of semi forced conformity.
I hope that things might return to better times, and I think they will eventually. But it will hurt more before it gets better. And that’s why we need allies, and those in power to act as those beacons of advocacy along with those in our community that can do so as well to bring awareness to the world. As I said in the beginning, to those that can do that I’m proud of you.
Love you all. 🏳️⚧️
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