I hate to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in only five moves.

Those karate lessons really did pay off.

People will try to convince you that nothing rhymes with orange.

It really doesn't.

I was planning to tell a joke about communism here, but I'm worried that not everybody will get it.

I heard a rumor about butter, but I really shouldn't spread it.

If you stand over Mozart's grave, you can hear all of his music being played backwards, in the order in which he wrote them.

He's decomposing.

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who are good at counting, and those who aren't.

A fish in a lake accidentally swam into a concrete wall.

He said, "Dam!"

One time I got lunch with Bonnie Tyler. We'd agreed to get Greek food, but couldn't find anywhere that sold it. I was happy to just get a burger, but she was holding out for a gyro.

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven knows what six did.

At the post office, I accidentally put my hand inside the machine they use to add postmarks to stamps.

I guess I've been cancelled.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of a boat?

If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

Today I learned that I can jump higher than my house.

It was pretty easy. My house can't jump.

I tried out some hipster tea, but I burned my mouth on it - I drank it before it was cool.


Why do communists drink fruit tea? 

@noelle ...

Because proper tea is theft.

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